


Look but don't touch

by Doralice



Series: Indecent Proposal [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Ben can look but can't touch, Dorks in Love, Erotic Games, F/M, I don't even know how to tag it, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Porn with Feelings, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Slow Burn, The Force Ships It, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Voyeurism, and they'll sit here consumed with lust for the rest of the evening, just as the title says, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:29:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27133903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doralice/pseuds/Doralice
Summary: Rey has all those precious Jedi books, but she's not able to read the ancient language. Kylo can dechipher them, but of course he wouldn't do anything for her without having somenthing in return.(If it sound filthy, you are right. Though they are too idiots to be able to make the most of the situation without going through trouble first.)
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Indecent Proposal [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1980523
Comments: 28
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Indecent Proposal](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/703732) by Doralice. 



> Inspired by this awsome art by Kasiopea:  
> https://kasiopea-star-wars.tumblr.com/image/171213680925
> 
> I started to write this story in April 2018, finished it in January 2020. I wrote it in italian, my mother language, and pubblished in 4 chapters on another fanfics' archive. The original chapters are very long, so I decided to split them and made a serie of stories about 3-4 chapters each one.  
> Hope you'll enjoy it!

Day Zero

A broken lightsaber and a pile of indecipherable texts: that was all that was left for Rey. To say she felt useless would have been an understatement.

She had just had a glimpse of what the Force could be and how to master it, she knew its potential, and without vanity she knew she was good enough to be able to walk the path of the Jedi. But her teacher – or at least the figure who came closest to that – was dead and the only Force sensitive who was on the side of the Resistance didn’t have the skills to teach her.

And then there was _him_.

As if the situation wasn't desperate enough, Rey was aware that she had to face an enemy far more capable than her. Better trained, better armed and above all ruthless.

He had a lot of nerve to look at her like _that_ every time the Force played its tricks and put them face to face. Rey didn't hate him – she couldn't, not after what they had shared, first on Ahch-To and then on the Finalizer. But she couldn't feel sorry for him. He had killed Snoke for the sole purpose of being able to sit on that damn throne, he hadn’t had the guts to give up power and return to the Light Side, he had tried in every way to destroy what remained of the Resistance – her only family.

Yet Rey had seen him at her side, _she had seen him._

_You come from nothing. You are nothing. But not for me_.

He had even given her hope. And then he came up with those words. It had been like being abruptly awakened from a dream, right on the spot. Rey had clearly seen the skittish kid behind the hideous mask of the Sith, and her heart sank.

Rey now saw him right in front of herself almost every day, that little kid. The perennial pout and the eyes asking and asking and _asking_ , silent. She had to restrain herself to not yell at him until losing the voice.

“Stop look at me like that. You'll never get anything from me. _Nothing_.” She had hissed at him one night.

They were both in bed, lying on their side, facing each other.

Ben had pursed his lips and lowered his gaze, taking her hatred as if he thought he deserved it. Then he looked back at her. And for the first time Rey had seen resignation in his expression.

It was then that she realized. Just as she would never give him anything, he would never give up. Not in the hope of getting anything from her, but because he had nothing left of her: if all he could do was stare at her, he would do it. That _unfathomable_ idiot.

And so he did, in fact. For days and days. Until the days became weeks and the weeks became months. And despite her ignoring him or spitting venomous invectives at him, he continued to stare at her in silence, undeterred.

“You know, if you really have to be a stalker you could at least make yourself useful.” Rey blurted out one evening, finding him sitting cross-legged on the floor of her quarters.

Ben had opened his mouth as if to reply, but then he must have changed his mind. He looked confused. And by the stars if she was frustrated by that stare! Each time it caused her a hurricane of thwarted emotions.

Rey fished out of a drawer one of the Jedi texts he had stolen from the Ahch-To temple and slammed it in front of him. He had seen her several times spending hours and hours on that pages, cursing any deity in the galaxy.

“Nobody knows this language, it's too ancient. There’s no trace of it even in the databases. And half of the texts are written like this.”

She saw him glaring that book, just a glance at the cover, and then went back to look at her, inscrutable.

“But I _know_ that you can read it.”

*

She had said it with the attitude of someone who was revealing an unprecedented twist, as if they were in a low-grade holonovel. And Kylo had had to put on his best poker face to keep from laughing.

Rey knew that he knew that language, of course. Because he himself had made sure to make her know it. He had studied from a book written in that way at the time of the Academy: an more recent edition, but the language was the same and he had to learn it. So in the past few months he had managed to find books written that way – ah, the advantages of being the Supreme Leader of a sprawling, powerful organization that had connections across the galaxy! – and he had shown up while reading them.

“Yes.” He admitted quietly, “But I won't help you.”

Her reaction was predictable, but Kylo was still captivated by her anger. He felt a bit of an asshole to provoke her in that way, but it wasn't like she had been a sweetie with him during those months. And in any case he _had_ to do it. Kylo had to be a jerk and Rey had to get mad at him: it was the first phase of his plan. The one in which she was destabilized to the point of making a stupid decision. A decision that would have left him room to act.

“I can't kriffing stand you! It wouldn't cost you _anything_ to help me and you know it. But you rather choose to give me those puppy eyes, hoping to get something without giving me anything in return.”

Kylo let out a grin: she was literally serving him the occasion.

“You said it: you can't hope to get something without giving anything in return.”

He saw her freeze on the spot. Oh, so she really didn't expect it? She was more candid than he had imagined. Now he was torn: one part of him felt guilty for exploiting her naivety in this way, another part was perversely attracted to it.

“And let's hear: what would you like in return for your help?”

Kylo raised his eyebrows. Straight to the point, as always. That was one of the reasons he liked that girl so much.

“Oh, I think you know what I want.” He said, dropping his voice an octave.

Rey blushed. But she didn't look away: proud as ever. She was furious and embarrassed and she wanted at all costs to stand up to him. She was adorable and she was doing _exactly_ what he wanted.

“All right.” She said with an unsteady voice.

Then she cleared her throat. Kylo watched her intrigued, patiently waiting to hear her offer. He expected her to ask him to establish the terms of the deal and he already had some ideas… 

“But you can only look. You can't touch.”

Kylo sucked in the air: “What?”

“You heard me.” Rey glared at him, “These are the terms. Either that suits you, or we can say goodbye and go back to the usual.”

This… wasn't exactly the twist he imagined. Not at all. Kylo had expected to face a long period of subtle courtship that he had carefully planned and which should have lasted a few months. Now he wasn't quite sure how he felt. That part of himself that used to feel guilty now wondered what kind of man Rey thought he was to make such an offer. However the other part… 

“Fine.”

The other part was growling with satisfaction and had just made him declare the words that signed their deal.

* * *

Day One

Rey had changed clothes three times and then she had untied her hair and pulled them up and untied it again… until she had screwed her own reflection in the mirror. It wasn't a kriffing date!

With heavy steps she went to her bed and sat there, far from patient. It was usually in her room – his room? their rooms? – that it happened, away from prying eyes. As if the Force somehow wanted to insist on a front that for her, by now, was truly impassable. And now she had thrown herself into that absurd situation with her own hands. Just because she couldn't stand him being that far ahead of her. Her stomach tightened: she was practically selling herself to the enemy in order to defeat him.

The enemy in question appeared to her shortly thereafter, wearing the usual clothes he wore to sleep. That was an odd thought: the fact that by now she knew how he dressed in the intimacy of his private quarters. Rey stopped chewing on her nails and forced herself to appear more confident than she was.

“Hello.” She said coldly, and immediately handed him a book.

Ben picked it up and waved back, his gaze fixed on her. Luckily Rey was able to avoid that look by taking care of something else. Like pulling out her holopad to take notes and trying to get comfortable.

“Are you ready?”

She glanced up at him and nodded briefly. Ben opened the book and leafed through the first pages, silently reading through a few lines with a focused expression. Rey saw him mutter something to himself, frowning, as he read and reread.

“So?” She urged him after a few minutes, drumming the penn between her fingers.

Ben took his eyes off the book, his eyebrows raised.

“Knowing how to read it doesn’t mean that it’s easy to translate.” He pointed out, and returned to focus on the pages.

Rey sighed and threw herself back on the bed, resolving to count the cobwebs on the ceiling while waiting. When she heard Ben clearing his throat, she jumped up and grabbed the holpad, immediately attentive. He started talking and she took notes rapidly. He was slow enough to write without too much difficulty. Every so often she interrupted him, asking to repeat something or explain a concept that wasn’t clear, and he agreed without any problems. They were going swiftly and Rey had already filled several pages, when suddenly Ben's voice stopped in the middle of a sentence.

For a few seconds Rey simply waited, thinking that he was faced with difficult words to translate. But Ben was still silent. She looked at him: he had closed the book, a finger slipped between the pages to keep the mark. And he stood there, his back limply relaxed against the wall and the book in his hands, watching her. Waiting.

“We're halfway through the chapter.” He said quietly.

And Rey understood. Or rather, she remembered. Because she had been so focused on her task that she forgot the _other part_ of their deal. The one where she had to give something to him.

Her heart began to beat furiously. Getting out of bed she had to force herself to stay calm. She faced him, squaring her shoulders and lifting her chin – just like she did whenever they met on the battlefield. Wasn’t all this a battle too?

Ben’s stare followed her silently in her every movement. He kept looking at her, just waiting. It was _unbearable_. Rey wanted to take that damned smooth expression off his face, just as she wanted to take that resigned pout out of him a few days earlier.

Swollen with anger and frustration, she grabbed the edges of her tunic, crushing the fabric between her fingers. Her palms felt sweaty, her mouth felt dry. Before lifting it, she threw a last look at Ben and thought to see a ripple in his expression, but she didn't want to see further – she couldn't bear the humiliation.

Rey took a deep breath to gather the courage and with a sharp motion she raised the tunic up to her shoulders, exposing her breast.

*

Kylo held his breath.

He released it only when she finally covered herself. Because until that moment, until he saw her really doing it, he was sure that Rey would back down. But they had a deal and she had always kept her word, didn’t she?

Pulling up her tunic, Rey had covered half of her face with the cloth, hiding the blush that stained her cheeks. Kylo could only see her eyes, stubbornly turned away, shining with embarrassment and suppressed anger. She was _gorgeous_.

And he was certainly a pervert, but also an immense fool, because while that tunic had been up he hadn’t known whether to look at her face or her boobs. Anyway the overall vision of that show made him hard rock in his pants and he had to shift on his spot to hide the evidence.

“Satisfied?” She had told him after having covered herself.

Her voice was a little too weak to play tough. But for the sake of both their mental health he chose not to infer.

Kylo cleared his throat muttering a ‘Yes’ and reopened the book to continue translating the chapter. Rey wrote quickly, her head bent over the pad and her lips clamped between her teeth. If she felt uncomfortable because of what had just happened, he couldn't tell: she was unreadable. As far as it concerned him, Kylo felt already on the brink.

He assessed the thickness of the book: they had many chapters in front of them and that was not even the only text written in that language. He already felt in critical condition and they were only at their first meeting. How was he going to get to the end without going crazy?

When the chapter was over, Kylo closed the book and handed it to Rey. She looked at it for a moment, grim and distrustful, before picking it up and putting it away, along with the other books and the holopad.

“Are you still up about this?” He wanted to ask her.

“See you tomorrow?” He said instead, hoping to sound not so insecure as he felt.

Rey studied his face for a moment, nibbling her lip. Kylo tried his best to pose as harmless as possible.

Finally she nodded: “See you tomorrow.”

The Force bond slowly faded and Kylo found himself sitting on his bed, alone in his quarters. He let out a loud sigh and then looked down: and now what he was supposed to do with _that_?

He didn't have many options, so he got up and headed to the bathroom. As he undressed, his mind was already proposing to him the show he had witnessed shortly before. Rey's small firm breasts, her little pink nipples... it wasn’t difficult to figure their shape in his hands, the way she would sigh if he had rubbed her nipples between his fingers… 

He slipped into the shower, picturing her face flushed with arousal and dismay as he tortured her like that. Kylo grabbed his cock and squeezed tight.

He wanted those hazel angry eyes on him. He began to move his hand in a dry, almost violent pace.

He wanted to hear her growl with frustration and cry with pleasure and scratch his shoulders. His hand moved faster, rougher.

He wanted to hear her beg for him… 

Kylo didn’t come – _couldn't_ come. He was going mad with the need, yet his body wasn't responding. Anger and frustration were contagious, and builded up a massive block. His loins burned and he was on the verge of tears. He punched the wall, cracking the tiles, and slid down. Kneeling on the wet floor, he placed his forehead against the cool wall and took a deep breath, focusing on the roar of the water.

That ridiculous little game had just begun and was already in those conditions. What had that scavenger done to him?


	2. Chapter 2

Day Five

Their meetings were just starting, but Rey was already seeing a pattern. And this made things a little easier for her, despite the absurdity of the situation.

The Force bond put them in touch. Always in the evening, always when they were in the privacy of their respective rooms. They greeted each other  – politely but coldly  – and Rey handed him the book. He started reading and she took notes and they went on like this for a while. Towards the middle of the chapter, Kylo simply stopped the translation. And Rey knew it was time to ‘repay’ him.

The resolution to avoid looking at him in those moments was already shattered by their second meeting. Intrigue had prevailed and Rey had watched him sidelong, sure to find attestation of her most horrendous suspicions. Let’s face it: a grown ass man, someone who surely had all the experience she lacked, someone who was in the perfect power position to let off steam whenever he liked... Rey was persuaded he was doing this out of mere revenge. She hadn't accepted his offer, she hadn't joined him: now she was at a disadvantage and Kylo was using that opportunity to humiliate her.

So Rey expected to witness on his face complacency, mockery…  _ anything _ that could confirm to her that, yes, she was right, Kylo Ren was nothing but a revoltin profiteer who enjoyed mortifying his enemies in the most subtle and merciless ways.

But oh how she was completely and utterly  _ wrong _ . The look Rey had seen on his face was not the one of an opponent delighted by his victory. And now she had gone from curiosity to bewilderment and she couldn't help but watch Kylo as he watched her.

A grown ass man, a thirty year old with experience and opportunities that she could only dream of… who looked at her like  _ this _ . By the stars! Rey was more than sure those weren't the first boobs he saw. And quite frankly she was also honest enough to assume that hers weren't the most nice boobs in the galaxy. So  _ why on earth _ he was looking at her as if he were facing a miracle?

*

It was true. Rey was absolutely right.

Kylo had experience  – though less than she imagined. Gone were the days when the Padawan training and the Knight of Ren’s thirst for revenge made him look at women from afar. He had vented his curiosity and now he knew enough to know how to juggle when he needed it.

Kylo had made a dazzling social climb and was now in the perfect position to have the women he wanted. And even the ones he didn't want. Because as always, power is an unparalleled magnet for social climbers. He was feared and coveted, and if only he wanted to he could have a different woman warm his bed every night.  _ If only he had wanted to. _ There were many reasons why he didn't want to, and Rey couldn't imagine how much weight she had.

Kylo had seen other boobs, of course. And he had seen even more nice than hers, he had to be honest. But those weren’t  _ Rey's  _ boobs.

Rey was the variable. She always was. Even in that stupid pre-teen game they were playing, she was the one who made the difference.

He hadn't asked her to join him because he felt lonely and believed she was desperate enough to accept. He had asked her because their solitudes matched and there was no one in the entire galaxy who could understand him better than her.

But she was too absorbed in her own ideals. And that was also why he liked that girl so much. That was why every time she lifted that tunic he looked at her adoringly.

Because he could have all this from her for the moment. A stupid pre-teen game. At least for now.

* * *

Day Twelve

Almost two weeks had passed and things were proceeding unchanged.if their routine stayed that way, Rey might have found the affair bearable. Ungodly, yes, completely insane, but in spite of everything bearable. After all, what was a bit of bare skin if traded for the wisdom and knowledge contained in those ancient Jedi texts?

“Nothing.” She kept saying herself like a mantra, during the usual break in the middle of the chapter.

“Absolutely nothing.” She thought stubbornly, trying to ignore what Kylo's adoring gaze caused her.

Somehow, the way he stared at her was puffing her up with confidence. From the very beginning she felt the weak one compared to him. And now, in their deal she was the one who literally exposed herself every time. But after a couple of weeks she had learned to master the moment. Now she could even think of joking about it and precede Ben by interrupting the reading herself.

“Boobs break?”

He suddenly raised his head from the book, looking at her with wide eyes. Then they burst out laughing. It was a nervous laugh, one of those full of tension that was anything but hilarious. But they were laughing, they were really doing it.

Ben nodded and closed the book.

“All right.” He said with a voice hoarse for the laughter and  _ more _ .

Rey felt bold and a little high. Like when she drank more than two pints of Potwa beer.

She got down on her knees on the bed, her lips tight so as not to let go of another laugh that was tickling her throat, her face burning with redness. Just like the first time, but at the same time in such a different way. Then she grabbed the edges of the tunic and pulled it up to her nose.

Just like the first time.

But at the same time _ in such a different way _ .

*

It was insane. It was wonderful. It was unbelievable.

Somehow Kylo had to force himself to look at the target  – her breasts. Because his attention was inexorably captured by Rey's face. Her flushed cheeks, her bright eyes, her cheerful attitude. He had to chew his tongue in order not to demolish all that fragile game and kiss her  _ instantly _ .

Somehow, having partially removed the mask in the previous days had been useful. Kylo could have made her see what she was waiting for and unleash her indignation, prompting her to withdraw even more in herself. But that game was carefully crafted to get her to open up and Kylo knew he couldn't do it degrading her. Rey was proud and heartfelt, her game was always fair and demanded the same from others.

Well, Kylo was playing fair too  – at least in part. Though it was clear she didn't expect something like this from him. Should he have been offended? Maybe. But Kylo was a practical man. Theirs was a singular deal, Rey didn't have the same experience as him  – and thanks to the stars or it wouldn't have been so easy for him to lead the game. There was no way she wouldn’t feel uncomfortable, that she didn't expect him to take advantage. And how to blame her? After all, she had been sold by her own parents and had grown up among criminal scum.

Kylo would have had his work to break down her shell. But he wasn't in a hurry, oh no. For once in his life what he craved was so difficult to achieve  – perhaps the most difficult  –  but he felt destined to achieve it.

And above all, for once Kylo didn't feel inadequate. Rey's rejection didn't burn like everyone else  – not anymore. Because he knew that it was only a shield against what he stood for: an ideal opposite to her. But there, in the intimacy of their secret encounters, they weren't the Supreme Leader and the Skywalkers’ pupil, they were just Kylo and Rey. And if he managed to make Rey capitulate, the rebel would be his too.

And Kylo Ren would have won. Or at least that's what he believed, in his immense naivety.

* * *

Day Fifteen

Well, she should have guessed it wouldn't be that easy, didn't she? Ben Solo a.k.a. Kylo Ren was smart and unpredictable. Just when Rey seemed to have managed to find a balance, here he was destroying everything with a simple sentence. And she had to start all over again, navigating with the pieces he had left her.

“What? You get tired of them?” She teased him.

Because at the ‘boobs break’, when she was going to lift her tunic as usual, Ben had sighed heavily, putting on his Peculiar Brand of Sulk.

“No. Oh, no.” He immediately replied, squaring her up properly

Rey felt her cheeks burn.

"You 'mmmhed' at my boobs!" She retorted.

"Well, you know…” He waved his hand, “You don't have only those.”

And if possible Rey was blushing even more. For the sentence. For the predatory eyes with which he had glanced at her hips, tilting his head as if to peek behind her. For the obvious implication.

“Oh.” Was all she had managed to say.

*

“Oh.” She said.

And she had looked at him with such an astonished expression that Kylo was wondering if it wasn't all too easy. How could it be that this girl didn't realize how beautiful she was? She seemed completely oblivious. A fact that only increased her charm to him. Another woman would already have tried to take advantage of that situation, maybe putting on some sort of show to destabilize the enemy.

But not Rey.

She just added: “Alright.”

Then she turned around and with movements that would have been practical but actually looked adorable awkward, she had pulled her tunic over her hips and her panties down. And this was how Kylo Ren had first seen the ass of Rey of Jaccu. A curve of rare perfection that had forced him to strangle a frustratet moan. The urge to touch was so strong and on impulse Kylo raised his hand, but he held back in time, bringing that hand to his mouth and biting hard.


	3. Chapter 3

Days Sixteen to Twenty-three

The ‘Boobs break?’ had turned into ‘What do you want to see today?’. And over time it had become, unexpectedly, something of a routine. Sometimes even funny, and sometimes… deeply engaging.

For example, there was that time when Rey was too busy taking notes that she hastily lifted up her tunic, holding the hem between her teeth, so she can have her hands free. After a long time Ben had had to clear his throat and point out that, no, he just couldn't focus to resume translating, so please would she cover herself, for stars’ sake. Rey had let go of her tunic with a thousand excuses and two mischievous dimples on her cheeks.

Another time, Ben had turned his usual question over to her: “What would you like to show me today?”.

“What would you like to touch, if you could?” She answered back, “And ‘Everything’ is not an available option!”

The game was over with Ben sighing in frustration at the bare curve of her ass.

“A deal is a deal!” She chuckled.

*

Oh sure, a deal is a deal. ‘Look but don't touch’ the rule read. But Kylo knew a few tricks to get around it.

So there was that time in which, since Kylo had assessed his preference, Rey had rolled over on her stomach.

“Help yourself, I need to finish this.” She said.

And since Kylo couldn't touch her, he used the Force to pull the cloth aside and expose her ass. Rey giggled at the tickle.

“There's really nothing to laugh about, you know?” He complained, “From this perspective, the situation is even harder than usual.”

Without the slightest empathy she replied: “Oh, I don't doubt how  _ hard  _ it’s for you!”

But another time it was Kylo who put her in trouble.

“Wait.” He told her while she was holding up his tunic.

Under her watchful stare, he leaned forward.

“I'm not going to touch you.” He assured her. It was the rule, and in fact Ben didn't touch her. He just blew. A fresh breath that made her skin wrinkle and her nipples swell deliciously.

Rey choked on her breath. They looked at each other, speechless, amazed. Rey for his boldness, Kylo because she let him do it without unloading a blaster on him.

And then there was that time, and another one, and another too... 

The truth was that every day was ‘another time’. Every day, even the most mundane, was a wonderful discovery. In that weird game that they had set up, far from the war, the doors of their quarters that closed off a galaxy that wanted them enemies – all the days granted to them were precious. Because they knew that sooner or later they would end.

* * *

Day Twenty-Four

Ben must have understood that there was something different the very moment he saw her. She was pale, her suffering face peeking up from the clothes in which she had bundled herself to seek warmth, as if she was preparing to face a long hibernation.

“Nothing to choose today, you'll have to settle for boobs.” She announced sitting on the bed, “It's that time of the month.”

Ben's gaze wandered over her for a moment.

“Oh.” He said when the realization struck him, “You don't owe me anything today.”

Rey looked at him in confusion: “You want to postpone?”

Ben frowned: “No.”

He seemed almost insulted. Rey had to hide a little smile behind her holopad. Always so brood and impenetrable, reckless in the battlefield, heated and feared – and _ yet _ .

They translated and took notes as usual, cramps aside. Until Ben interrupted the session with a frustrated hiss.

“They didn’t give you anything?”

Rey looked at him without understanding.

“A painkiller?” He suggested , “At least a kriffin hot water bottle!”

She didn’t want to know how he knew certain remedies for an entirely female problem. However, she had to explain to him that painkillers were reserved for wounded soldiers and that on that base they didn’t have enough energy to heat the shower water, let alone make a hot water bottle for menstruating women.

“These are luxuries no one here can afford.” She concluded wearily.

And she didn't want to sound like a rebuke, really. At that moment she wasn't even thinking that those responsible for their situation were under Ben's direct command. But he fell silent, his expression bordering on guilt – and after all Rey felt a little satisfied.

*

“I can't do much-”

Rey snorted.

“You can't do anything.” She retorted.

“But I'm still warmer than a hot water bottle.”

“You- what?”

They locked eyes and her expression was priceless.

“And unlike a hot water bottle, I don't get cold.”

Her eyebrows shot up to the hairline. Kylo bit his lip so as not to burst out laughing hysterically.

“We said look-”

“But don't touch. I know.” He sighed, “Listen, I'm not doing anything to you.”

Rey looked at him with distrust.

“I can’t translate with you like this.” He blurted out holding out his hand, “So come on. Please?”

She looked doubtful at his hand. Then something shifted between them. She moved and Kylo missed a heartbeat: he did it, he managed to make her trust him. He remained motionless as she approached and settled on his lap, her back against his chest. He wrapped his arm around her waist, placing his palm on her tummy.

He could smell her scent, he could feel how she was tense. Does she feel it too? How was he also nervous?

They had never been so close, except perhaps many months ago, when she was just a girl who had precious information.

“We can resume. If you want.”

Her voice roused him.

“Yes, uh - yes.” He cleared his throat and took up the book again.

“Wait! Look down here.”

Kylo looked down. Rey had hooked the neckline of her tunic, stretching in, offering him an overview of her boobs.

“I told you you don't owe- oh!” That angle was new and it wasn't bad at all, “Mmh… fascinating.”

Rey giggled.

“Thank you.” He said politely.

Kylo felt her little hand rest on his over her tummy.

“Thank  _ you _ .” She sighed.

* * *

Days Twenty-nine to Thirty-six

With the worst time of the month finally behind her and the memory of Ben's warm body cuddling her, Rey no longer knew exactly how to feel. That deal had proved fallacious: the moment they made an exception to the rule, she was  _ screwed _ .

Now that she knew how big and warm and kind they were, he often looked at Ben's hands. She often looked at his broad chest on which she had found comfort, letting herself be lulled by deep, slow breathing. She missed the vibration of his voice, deep against her back. She missed even the dumb jokes the engaged when she pulledher tunic for him.

It was intimate and funny and  _ beautiful _ . She missed everything. He was right in front of her, but she couldn't have him.

But she also made big progress with the Jedi texts. Now she had even gotten to a crucial book and she was learning how to repair a lightsaber. She couldn't stop right now: the entire Resistance was fighting strenuously against the First Order, and it was doing it for her too. Her, who was there flirting with the enemy.

But it wasn’t just about her. That deal had to remain exactly as it was. 

*

If only he had asked him now. If only…

Kylo would have thrown all behind and said  _ yes _ . Yes, he would have helped her without hesitation to translate those damned texts, without asking her for anything in return. By now they had done the most: soon Rey would rebuild the lightsaber and return to face him on the battlefield.

Those secret meetings would come to an end anyway. Because what on earth could he get more from them, after what he had already offered her? He could only see her in battle, face her as an enemy. Their only interaction that would ever happen again would be between the blades of their lightsabers.

Now Kylo  _ hated _ that damned plan. Now, he knew he would feed the First Order to the Resistance, if only she allowed him to touch her again.

If only…

But this was utopia. And in fact Rey didn't give up. Oh, he had noticed her gaze: it was the mirror of his own. The desire, the longing, the struggle.

In other times he would have benefited from it. Now he drew only one sad conclusion: how proudly stupid they both were.


	4. Chapter 4

Day Forty-one

“Happy birthday!”

Ben looked up from his book, eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“Who did tell you?”

“Your mother, of course.”

“Of course.” He echoed.

Rey saw him calmly put the book down and then look at her again. There was something melancholy in his eyes. She wondered how long he hadn't celebrated his birthday and the thought made her heart sink, because she knew too well what it meant to have no one worth celebrating it with.

“Did you bring me a present?” He asked, a hint of a smile that creased his face, his eyes shadowed with malice.

“Something like that.” She said, the blood already rushing to her cheeks.

They were sweet, in their own way. They had found this odd language to be able to say things that otherwise they would never have been able to say.

Rey got out of bed and went over to Ben, stopping in front of him. So close that he could reach out and touch her.

“You can touch something you've already seen. Or you can see something you haven't seen yet. The choice is yours.”

*

Rey was waiting for an answer, but Kylo was taken abash.

How long did she think about it? How she had come to terms with those exact words? How many times that sentence had swirled through her head: how to say it, how to look at him while saying it  – the whole scene.

Rey was waiting and Kylo took a deep breath and forced himself to focus on the sentence. It sounded like a riddle, but it was clearer than it might seem.

_ ‘You can touch something you've already seen’ _ . The implication was obvious. An exception to the rule of their agreement, just for that day, just for his birthday. But the choice was limited only to what he had already seen, and they both knew what Rey had shown him so far.

_ ‘Or you can see something you haven't seen yet’. _ Here too, it was openly plain. But Kylo could hardly believe it. The very idea made his throat dry, skip a couple of heartbeats and overall it caused him a series of psychophysical imbalances that ended in a glorious hard on, which he would have struggled as usual to get rid of later.

No, he would never stand the second choice, he was sure of it. But come to think of it, it wouldn't have held up even at the first one. Not for the act itself, but for the meaning it carried in that kind of gift she was giving him. The meaning it took on their crazy deal.

But still, Rey was waiting for an answer... 

And Kylo had already figured out which one to give her. Perhaps he would have blown everything up, but by now his ramshackle plan had taken completely unexpected turns and it was already gone on its own way. So what did he have to lose?

“I want to touch.”

* * *

Day Forty-two

Ben had nothing to lose  – n ot anymore. And Rey had understood it the day before, in the most beautiful and painful way that could happen.

“I want to touch.” He had told her.

He had made his choice. The tension between them had skyrocketed as she got even closer to him. Sitting on his own bed, light years far from her, Ben raised his head and looked at her in silence. His eyes telling things that she could not avoid, yet she couldn’t accept.

“What do you want to touch?” She asked him in a faint voice.

She tried to picture his big, warm hands on her  – and he still didn't speak, he still didn’t move. Kriff! Sure she would collapse if that situation didn't break free. 

And then he did it.

He had raised a hand, unsure. And he had brought it close to her face, his fingers ghosting shily over her skin.

Breathing was suddenly hard for Rey. Was it true? Was this really happening?

She was getting ready to be groped. And he was  _ stroking her face _ . With a disarming tenderness he traced her features, brushing her lips with his thumbs, running his fingertips along the line of her nose, following the arch of her eyebrows.

Rey felt herself getting wet, her core pulsing  – just because of chaste caress on her face.

_ What are we doing? _

Perhaps the Force had connected their minds on an even deeper level  – or Ben had to read everything over her face. Because his expression had changed and Rey felt a ripple between them. And then the melancholy she had seen before was there again.

How lonely was he? When did those stupid momets matter to him? How much was he pining? All this was contained in his melancholy stare.

They were about to finish translating the last of the Jedi texts and everything they had done up to that point was concentrated there. In his hand and how he had tried to memorize her face in a single caress. Rey would never forget that. She wanted to give him a gift, but it was Ben that had given a gift to her. In one simple gesture, he had made her understand so much about himself.

But that was yesterday. Today was another story. Today, she had asked him to postpone the pause until the end of the translation: it seemed more appropriate for the worthy conclusion she had in mind.

*

Kylo had accepted her suggestion without problems. He trusted her, of course. And it wasn’t strange: he too would’ve found it incongruous to break that last meeting.

But there was more, he could feel it.

He could see it from the way Rey swung her bare feet in the air, from the way she nibbled the pen between one note and another. He had learned to know her in those months. That game had done much more than thicken his fantasies: now he could read her without having to scan her mind with the Force.

When the last word on the last page was translated and transcribed, Kylo closed the book and looked at her. She turned off the holopad, she neatly put everything away, and lastly she sat composed on the bed, smoothing the worn fabric of the sheets with her hands.

She was avoiding looking at him. He understood and he felt a pang of fondeness for her agitation. But couldn't  – he never could. Kylo had only those last moments before returning to the old routine.

“Don't you want to ask me what I want to see?” He suggested, more to break that silence than out of real curiosity.

Finally Rey looked at him.

“No.” She answered without hesitation.

Of course. Because she already had in mind what to do, didn’t she?

“So what do you have for me?” He asked simply.

Rey got out of bed and, as she had done so many times in the previous days, stood in front of him. Fierce and beautiful as always. Maybe Kylo's expression betrayed what he felt, but he didn't care much anymore.

“You know, yesterday you caught me off guard.”

“You too.”

Their eyes locked in silence. Rey seemed to want to buy time, that she wanted to gather the courage.

Kylo saw her take a deep breath and then move. He followed her movements as if hypnotized: her hands disappearing under the hem of the tunic, pulling down her panties, sliding them down her legs, slipping from her feet.

He was probably looking at her now with a drunken Porg face, because he heard her chuckle.

“Do you want to see?” She whispered shyly, as if the walls could hear that secret and tell everyone.

All right, he would have died that same evening. Dead of love and desire for that completely insane girl, who was now watching him expectantly, with her eyes bright with emotion and her lip clamped between her teeth and two dimples – good stars _that dimples_ – that had peer on her flushed cheeks.

And how much did he want to kiss her? When did he want to hear her giggle and sigh under his caresses? How much did he want to make love with her  –  he, who had never known love?

Kylo swallowed the lump in his throat and licked his lips. Bracing himself, he answered her question with an unstable voice.

“I want  _ you _ .”

Rey smiled at him, a different one from before. And her eyes, oh, were so bright.

“I know.” She said, with a sureness she had never shown before.

She wasn't as proud and angry as she once was. The shining armor of the Spotless and Fearless Rebel was gone. Now it was just Rey.

“But there will be a battle tomorrow. And I'll be there.” She added, “And you will be there too.”

Kylo lifted his head and looked at her without holding back his proud smile. Everything that had happened between them hadn't affected her ideals in the least. Her stubbornness wouldn’t have folded even in the face of love.

Because that was what she was trying to give him, in the unorthodox way they had found to interact. A kind of token of love, as was once done between ladies and knights. To remember what they truly were when the galaxy couldn't see them, when they were away from the war.

“If you want to give me a pledge before the battle, my lady, give me your ribbon and I will keep it next to my heart.” He suggested, half serious half joking.

She laughed. It was beautiful and surreal to hear her laugh openly. In a few hours their lightsabers would cross again.

“For you, my knight.” She said solemnly, handing him the panties she had just taken off, “That is a good omen.”

Kylo took the panties from her hand, biting his lip to keep from laughing, and held them in his fist. It cost him a lot of effort not to bring them to his nose to smell her.

“Thanks.” He said softly.

“Look, it's just a loan, I only have one more!” She warned him as she slipped on some other panties.

“And now,” She turned to him with a mischievous smile, “Do you want to see the boobs for the last time?”

“Is that a rhetorical question?”

They laughed. And Rey lifted her shirt for the last time.


End file.
